How Much Sex Should We Be Having? The Truth About Libido Differences in Relationships

Ever catch yourself wondering if your relationship’s sex life is "normal"?

Maybe you’ve scrolled through social media, seen couples on date nights, and thought, Do they have it all figured out? Spoiler alert: they probably don’t. And honestly, "normal" is overrated. The truth is, the “right” amount of sex is whatever works for you and your partner.

What’s also normal? Having different sex drives—and for those drives to shift over time. So, if you’ve been side-eyeing your partner and thinking, Why can’t you be more like the old you? you’re not alone. But instead of stressing about what used to be, let’s dive into why these changes happen and what you can do about them.

(Before I continue, if you are more of a watcher/listener than a reader, head over to my YouTube page to watch my video on this topic!)

Why Does Libido Change?

First things first: if your sex life feels different now than when you first got together, it’s probably because your entire life is different. Let’s break it down:

1. Life Happens: Remember those carefree, late-night movie marathons you used to have? Now it’s more like, Who gets up with the baby at 3 AM? Between work stress, kids, and the occasional existential crisis, life gets busy.

2. Emotions Matter: Ever tried feeling sexy when you’re still fuming about who forgot to take the trash out (again)? Relationship hiccups—big or small—can dampen desire faster than a surprise cold shower.

3. Bodies Change: Hormones, health issues, and even just plain aging can throw a curveball at libido. Menopause, medications, or physical discomfort during sex can play a big role here.

   
   

But here’s the thing: all of this is normal. Like, so normal that stressing about it is just wasting your energy.

How to Deal with Different Sex Drives (Without Losing Your Mind)

If medical issues aren’t the culprit, it’s time to look at the relationship itself. Here are four ways to tackle libido differences without letting them drive a wedge between you:

1. Stop Wishing for the “Good Old Days”

Here’s the hard truth: your relationship—and you—aren’t the same as they were when you first met. And that’s not a bad thing! Instead of pining for the past, try embracing where you are now. Ask yourselves: What can we learn about each other now that we didn’t know before?

Think of it like upgrading your phone. Sure, your old flip phone was cool in its day, but now you’ve got better apps (and hopefully a better partner).

2. Communicate Without Blame

Don’t wait until you’re mid-argument to bring this up (trust me, it won’t end well). Find a relaxed moment—maybe during pillow talk or over coffee—and approach it with curiosity instead of blame.

For example:

• Not helpful: “Why don’t you want me anymore?”

• Better: “I miss feeling close to you. Can we talk about how to bring that back?”

Use “we” statements and keep it chill. This isn’t a courtroom—no one’s on trial.

3. Redefine Intimacy

Sex doesn’t have to mean intercourse. Little moments of connection—like cuddling on the couch, a kiss before bed, or a random midday hug—can be just as meaningful. These small gestures add up, making physical intimacy feel more natural rather than forced.

Think of it like preheating an oven: the cookies turn out better when you don’t skip that step.

4. Schedule Intimacy (Yes, Really)

Okay, I know this sounds about as sexy as a tax audit, but hear me out. Scheduling time for connection (not necessarily sex) can actually make things more spontaneous. When you’ve carved out space to be together, you’re creating the perfect setting for intimacy to happen naturally.

And hey, you don’t have to stop there—why not mix things up? Try something new, like using a feather to trace your partner’s skin or a blindfold for a few minutes. Think of it as a mini adventure for two.

Final Thoughts: Your Relationship, Your Rules

At the end of the day, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to how much sex you “should” be having. The goal is to create a dynamic that works for both of you—without guilt, shame, or unrealistic expectations.

So, instead of obsessing over what’s “normal,” ask yourself: Are we connecting in a way that feels good for us?

And if the answer isn’t quite there yet, that’s okay too. Relationships are a work in progress—kind of like learning how to make sourdough bread. It’s messy, takes patience, and sometimes needs a little extra effort to rise.

Want more tips to keep things spicy and connected? Check out my other resources or book a consultation. Let’s get you and your partner back on the same page—without the pressure.